Erotic Impulses
by motokokuroma
Summary: Motoko's Diary
1. Erotic Impulse

Today, the drive for eroticism was almost too strong.

It was on my mind all day.

I leave the tension alone.

Let it continue, fade, come back like waves.

Vision of mind drifts.

When I went to bed, I let it take me.

Carried by waves, to drown in the vast infinite ocean of passion.


	2. Sensual Pain

I tore a lot of muscles today. Trapezium, deltoid, pectoral. Back and breasts hurt like fire within.

A friend suggested I get someone to whip my back with a sedge brush.

I replied, there is a club nearby where people will pay to watch, and possibly I will make money from an exercise injury,  
>then teased him saying he only suggested it because he want to watch also.<p>

My mind became locked in erotic desire, all day.

The thought of the flesh of my shoulder blades and breasts, bared, yukata hung around waist,  
>my arms stretched outward and up, holding rope coiled around my wrists.<p>

Trying to feel the nanosecond flash, of torn muscle pain replaced by the cutting friction of plant needles.

The fade back to the muscle pain. One relieves the other.

I wanted this, to be in human flesh. To feel blood from the patterns of thin cuts flow.

To be able to be lost in this, to collapse.

Then awake in my bed, curled in a foetal pose, Kurutan holding me from behind, arms around. 


	3. Dubbed Ghost

I need a modified ghost dubbing machine.

To only copy my sensual, sexual aspects.

Then, to dub my self to drones, that can do the things I sometimes need.

That I cannot ask Kurutan, or Ran. That I cannot impose on Yoko.

That I can not trust Sano, though, she is sadistic, and desire is there, she is an enemy.

And what I want to do to others sometimes. 


	4. Sumi ai : Ink love

I wanted to feel brushes on me.

So, invited two friends to stay a weekend, and described what I needed.

We disrobed, kneeling on my futon.  
>We have seen and explored each other's bodies many times, still,<br>it is a pleasure to allow a few minutes to appreciate.

They began with normal medium brushes in both hands, either side of me as I sat knees apart,  
>and one of them suggested I close my eyes as well, as I rested my hands on my ankles behind me.<p>

Slow brush strokes. Across my shoulders, four brushes lightly skipping on my skin.  
>The same area of my back that hurt so much after injury two days ago.<p>

How strong the sensations and passion becomes, so sudden.

My head tilts back, upper body shudders. I grip my ankles tight as my arms tense.

One of them moves a brush in a low curve down my spine, and around the side of my rib cage toward my navel,  
>another brush following it then moving up to almost touch the underside of my right breast.<p>

The other strokes one brush from the neck, down my back, her other hand removing the brush from my shoulder  
>and placing it's tip between my legs, at my most sensitive, and one bold sudden stroke upward to my sternum.<p>

Involuntary response to stimuli. My back arcs and a faint, high pitched whisper.  
>They keep their brushes on me as I move.<p>

Now I feel brushes quickly flicking along the undersides of my breasts, following toward centre.

I bite my lower lip and they encircle, then cross my nipples.

They back down as two more brushes flick the sides of my rib cage in a similar way,  
>and then the upper brushes flirt across my nipples again.<p>

I feel them tense, thicken, throb.

The brushes stop.

My anticipation builds in an uneasy pause.  
>I begin to assimilate all the different sensations on my skin and within me,<br>allowing myself to relax and breath more naturally.

I gasp with shock, at the cold wet sensation at my throat, and base of my spine between my buttocks.

Before I have time to prepare, what feels like two larger, thicker brushes, stroke very fast,  
>straight down my front to my sex, and up my back to the base of my skull.<p>

I feel the cold wetness running, and realise they inked the two largest brushes.

Sudden fast strokes of one large brush, across my abdomen, like sword strikes,  
>not touching skin, but to spatter ink across it.<p>

More, across my breasts. Suddenly, upward from my groin to neck.  
>Then across my thighs as another across my face.<p>

This continues, in opposing directions from each brush, to confuse my responses to turn one side or the other.

It sends piercing and warm soft sensations deep through me at the same time.

I need to restrain. They both sense this, they know me.

Probably the only people that will ever know my sexual weaknesses and vulnerability.  
>More at times when we set sensitivity to the maximum possible parameters like this.<p>

The two girls hold my arms down at a 45 degree angle out from my side, along the front of their bodies,  
>my upper arms held in their cleavage, my hands holding a brush in each, palms resting on their mounds,<br>the stalk of the brushes low between their lips.

Their hands, brushes in each, continue stroking and slashing.  
>As though they are cutting me apart, so deep each sudden wave of sensation goes within me.<p>

As we try to absorb each other's tension, the flexing of my arms,  
>my body's attempts to arc, bend forward, twist to the side,<br>they push their hips forward, my fingers feeling softness, and realising, wet also.

Maybe it was this, or the increased speed and force of slashing and flickering of brushes,  
>alternating either sides of my neck, then ribs, thighs, breasts, labia,<p>

Both I think.

Tremors and shudders erupted into convulsion, as I spasm with such force, they could not contain me,  
>and I arched so fast it felt as though I snapped, breaking structural tissues.<p>

I think I screamed.

We collapsed together, as I fell back on the futon, both of them holding my arms tight in theirs,  
>still close to their torsos, as they used my spasms as their vibrator..<p>

We lay tangled together, soaking wet, black and red ink splashed all over us and the bed, and across the walls,  
>like an erotic crime scene.<p>

I do not know how long. I slept better than I could remember in a long time.


	5. Flesh and Blood

I've known this for a long time, since I was at school,  
>but I need to write it somewhere.<p>

When I read my own words, it helps me understand, to order my thoughts and feelings.

I have what I call flesh envy.

In other words, even though I have a perfect cybernetic body, ideal for my job,  
>with control of sensitivity, and ability to dive in water, or from the highest buildings,<br>I want the experiences of a flesh and blood biological body.

Sometimes, I want to be vulnerable.  
>Cyborgs feel pain, just as we feel pleasure. Also fear.<br>But it is not the same.

I run probes on the net, looking at illegal upgrade options.

There is not much. Nothing like the subskin fats or network of blood vessels I want.

I do not know when I became fascinated with blood.  
>Probably at some time in the SDF.<p>

The colour.

The way it runs, when it escapes it vessels.

The contrast of it on pale skin.

The patterns it makes.

I can not explain in the same detail about the sub skin fat biological humans have.

It's just ... something about it.


	6. Report Files

Three unusual report files this week..

Two thefts of long units of reinforced cables,  
>from the high performance computer clusters,<br>at both the Maritime Defence Force, and Section-6,

It is impossible to break into these places,  
>unless it is done by an expert,<br>and no-one can use these type of cables,  
>except in this type of computer.<p>

The cables were 1 and 2 cm node power,  
>serial, and 5 cm data ribbons.<p>

Only the longest missing,  
>minimum length 2 metres.<p>

When department chiefs arrived to inspect,  
>the MDF commander's Lamborghini was stolen,<br>and the Section 6 director's Ferrari.  
>No evidence of any kind,except missing cables and the two cars.<p>

At Kenbishi Heavy Industries,  
>the design drafting office was also broken into.<p>

The break in is only suspected,  
>because the pens on the large scale robotic plotter are empty,<br>the reserve ink stock was used up, two technical pens,  
>and a 5x3 metre sheet of paper is missing.<p>

* * *

><p>The tightness around me,<br>of being bound by a lover.

Thick, strong cables.

Binding my ankles and knees,  
>around each thigh.<p>

Pulling tight into my waist.

Across my shoulders and the top of my breasts.

A thick, wide flat rainbow ribbon cable between my legs,  
>secured to my abdomen and back beneath the other cables,<br>suspending me from either end fixed above.

A long serial cable around my neck,  
>my arms bound behind my back,<br>only enough freedom to pull tight the ends of the serial cable.

Only enough freedom to move my body,  
>to pull everything tighter against my self,<br>as my lover traces every line,  
>of a perfect pattern of hexagons on my skin.<p>

* * *

><p>The two of us being tattooed by a plotter,<br>was one of the most intense, erotically painful experiments .

We lay together on the draft surface,  
>and let the fifty 0.1mm needles of its pens draw.<p>

The light jabbing sensations, all over,  
>and humming buzzing harmonic created by the pen motors.<p>

It was programmed to respond to breathing heart rate and our writhing,  
>To tease, to change to different areas of our skin.<p>

Sides of our abdomens, ribs, back, thighs, neck,  
>Around the navel, then undersides of breasts,<p>

Then just as anticipation prepares, for the puncture of aureole and nipples,  
>it moves to another region of the body.<p>

The plotter's pen arms can reach any angle,  
>and I set the program to ink every surface from our necks down.<p>

I could not imagine my lovers experience,  
>without the direct link between our cyberbrains.<br>She is human, completely biological except for the brain interface.

Her instinct of self preservation,  
>fear of injury, blades and needles.<p>

Her confusion as her soft skin is penetrated by the pens,  
>of pleasure, pain and fear, and her experience of what I feel.<p>

My envy and curiosity of this fear,  
>the memories of her earlier experiences with boundaries.<p>

Her shaking body pressed and held tight against mine,  
>the only security we have.<p>

Our connected minds lost in the storm of impressions.

Our visual sense floats free in a vast spacious hexadesic grid,  
>surrounded by a flock of glowing cranes,<br>each as bright as the sun, pecking at us.

Every time some of the pens moved to my vulva,  
>I clenched tight my hands into her skin,<br>as my hips involuntarily raised.

At one point, I bit my teeth into the flesh above her collar bone,  
>and screamed into her body to try and control the intensity of emotions.<p>

It is lucky we do not have deep scratches from clawing,  
>though this can be fun, it would ruin the art.<p>

* * *

><p>As she stimulated physical memory,<br>by tracing the pattern on my skin with two pens,  
>I gazed at the beautifully rainbow coloured hexagon poster on my wall,<br>painted by two writhing inked tattooed bodies rolling each other over.

As my hands pulled the serial cable tighter,  
>I slowly, ecstatically, passed out.<p> 


	7. Bioroid Implants

I am possibly first to hear of them through black market search probes.

Illegal bioroid implants for cyborgs

After reading details, they interest me.

Real male genital implant for drones.

They have the ability to generate, using synthetic biology,  
>much larger amounts of semen than humans, and pump with more force.<p>

There is a similar function breast implant.

Illegal synthetic biology makes enzymes that interact with cyberbrains,  
>possibly using already illegal synthetic intoxicant chemical discoveries,<br>made by wealthier modern Yakuza families.

Saliva and other secretions that intoxicate.

* * *

><p>This is interesting.<p>

I want to try this.

The Yakuza owe me more than a few favours,  
>I will not need to pay for these.<p>

My flesh envy could get out of control,  
>But if I do not allow for it, and suppress,<br>that is more dangerous.

I want to feel it inside me.

Thickening, pulsing, thrusting, pushing.

These sensations, I have many experiences of.  
>Also the explosions of when males ejaculate.<p>

The duration of it though,  
>is not enough to explore the emotions and dissassociative experiences.<p>

I do not think it is sexual or sensual greed.  
>I want to explore the sensation of continual ejaculation,<p>

To feel waves flood me,

Strong, forceful waves, like a geyser erupting,  
>That change from hot wetness within me,<br>To a sensation that seems to burst beyond my tissue boundaries,  
>and flood my entire body, drowning my cybernetic organs,<br>coursing like the flow of an opened dam and surrounding my brain,

Several drones with this implant I think.  
>To be penetrated, everywhere, full.<p>

To be covered also, continually,  
>Beyond what human males are capable of.<p>

* * *

><p>I want to do this,<br>as soon as possible.

Not a simulation in cyberspace,  
>I can create anything I want there,<br>and am planning some advanced interfaces,  
>between cyber body and brain.<p>

I want it for real,  
>To feel as much as possible,<br>every sensation and emotion,  
>of what it is like to be a human female,<br>fulfilling her desire,. to be filled.


	8. Sweet Sushi

I think of how I would make sweet sushi.  
>Without looking up a recipe.<p>

Marzipan with safe food colour,  
>flatten by rolling pin for nori.<br>Coconut ice for rice.

Kiwi fruit, strawberries, mango,  
>sliced to imitate various sea creatures.<p>

Chocolate sauce for soy.


	9. One Year

One year.

I do not know where to begin.

I only just understand this myself,  
>after months of trying to reassemble the events.<p>

A little over a year ago, advanced illegal bioroid implants became a reality.  
>I was immediately interested, and not for the purpose of my job.<br>For a purpose I am now ashamed of.

A course of action that cost five people their lives, and almost killed me as well.  
>All because I was arrogant and impulsive enough to take a risk<br>with a new technology to fulfil desire, a need to feel, and be human.

And all the weaknesses that come with that,  
>broke my cybernetic and neural defenses, and metabolic infrastructure,<br>through exactly the same mechanism as the advantages I gained.

Six months later, I experienced the most terrifying trauma in my life, again.  
>The first and only other time this happened, is my first memory.<p>

Coming to, not knowing if I am alive, or if my body exists.  
>Not understanding the absense of any sensation, ability to move to<br>determine if I am in a body or not, and only faint sensory data  
>blurred by what I percieved as an infinte sphere of static and noise.<p>

The abstract thought, or was it theory, of I, alive, body, and move, was confusing.

Not absence of sensation, dull heaviness and pain so intense, it desensitised me.  
>The strange ominous sounds that deafened me, were my own body.<p>

I screamed and became unconscious again.

That was when I was a child, and regained conciousness after being in a coma  
>after the plane crash that killed the rest of my family.<p>

The disorienting experience of waking in a cyborg body.

To go through it again made it a lot more alarming.

* * *

><p>Over the next week, I became able to separate sounds in my body<br>from sounds in my environment. Then differentiate external sounds,  
>as background, and what I later realised was speech.<p>

Then, eventually, I began to remember the meanings the sounds carried, and decode that data.  
>After a month, I learnt how to encode my own thoughts as speech, and tried this.<p>

"Where ... who ... what ... am I ?"

The low warm throbbing that resonated in my neck and head made me jolt.  
>That was my first real sense of physical orientation, and identifying it as lying down, on my back.<br>I immediately realised I had concepts of body, head, neck, back. It followed, I probably had limbs.

These things, appeared in my mind as images. Sounds, and now, images.  
>That was when I remembered the sense of sight, and then eyes.<p>

I opened them.

My surroundings were dark, and I quickly adapted to dimension.  
>I was in a small space.<p>

I started to repeat my attempt at speech.

"Where .."

"Shhhhh ... it's alright. Relax. You are safe"

I had by now become able to separate speech sounds into different entities.  
>This was one of the ones I'd been hearing since becoming aware of my self again.<p>

The same entity changed in some way, as it spoke again.

"She's conscious. She just spoke, and opened her eyes"

More speech, more than one entity. I could not understand  
>while they spoke at the same time. Then other sounds I knew as environment.<br>One always happened before the sequences of speech,  
>sometimes during also, then afterward. Then other sounds that were less ...something.<br>A level or grade of some kind that was not the same  
>as speech and the sound that preceeded and followed it.<p>

The next sound I heard startled me. Speech again, not one of the entities I recognised.  
>As if I was not hearing it the first time. No. Wait. I <em>know<em> this entity.

Something, so many things, appearing, trying to form ... what ?  
>Images, other speech, different sensations. One image in my mind,<br>then I realised I could also see it in the space in front of me.

And the speech I recognised came from it.

"Welcome back, Motoko"


End file.
